The Seagull Has Landed

Tags

adage, culture, levity, life, musings, sayings, thoughts

My friend Kim came back from a training course in Germany, where the tutor tried to persuade her that culture comes from sayings, adages or saws. That set our morning coffee gathering to a lively debate.  It feels like a case of the tail wagging the dog or the cart before the horse to me.  Surely, it’s our culture that defines our sayings, not the other way around?

We’re not usually very serious for very long and this occasion was no exception.  Levity is the watchword, even if I’m the only one who knows what it means.  Claire proposed “lol”, though I don’t think that qualifies as a saying.  If at first you don’t succeed, maybe sky-diving isn’t for you.  If you can keep your head, whilst those around are losing theirs, maybe you’ve misunderstood the situation.  Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.  Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he’ll want a quota.  Little Jack Horner pulled out a plum and said “where’s my thumb gone?”  Procrastination is the thief of time, but so are a lot of other long words.  Beauty is only skin deep but ugliness goes right to the bone.  It is better to keep your mouth shut, and have everyone think you’re dumb, than to open it, and prove it beyond all doubt.  “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s corn” (Taming Of The Shoe).

Culture?  Don’t talk to me about culture.  Ask the man with the petri dish.

Smile

Tags

life, musings, rants, thoughts, writing

My submission to The Inkwell’s monthly half-hour challenge, on January’s theme “Bells”:

A smile or a grimace? Ted Jones isn’t renown for his happy disposition, yet he seems pleased to see us. “Who are you and what have you done with the real Ted?” I think, though I don’t dare say it. The last three times Claire and I came to the warehouse to deliver training, Ted had been conspicuous only by his growl and then his absence.
“Oh, it’s you pair of plonkers again, is it? Well, you’d better set up in the meeting room like last time and stay out of my way. Some of us have got work to do.” Ted’s disposition hasn’t changed to match his new-found demeanour.
“You’re supposed to be managing this warehouse Ted. I’d like to know what work you consider to be more important than improving it.”
“We’ve got spares orders to pick, pack and ship. I’m bloody certain our customers prefer my lads doing that than sitting in your training sessions.”
“Your lads sent three parcels to the wrong place last month. What do those customers think about your attitude to training, I wonder?”
“Yeah, well the only folk who don’t make mistakes are the ones who do nowt. I’ll bet you don’t make many.”
“So do you think we should carry on as we are or should we try to improve?”
“I haven’t time for this. Deliver your training!” and he spins on his heel and marches out the door.
Claire rolls her eyes at me “Same old Ted” and unpacks the projector.

We don’t see Ted again until just before lunch. He struts past the training room looking very strange: unhappy, angry even, yet his mouth is twisted into a frozen smile. I can’t help but think that this facial aberration is for my benefit.

Mid-afternoon we hear a disturbance from down the corridor but think little of it. After our coffee break, Arthur comes back from the loo and tells us Ted has been rushed off to hospital in an ambulance.
“They say his grin got bigger and bigger, then he just flaked out at his desk” says Arthur in wide-eyed amazement “I’ve never heard the like.”
“I have” offers Kathy “my granny had the same. Her whole face went numb and contorted into a horrible grin. She looked like something in a horror movie. Turned out she had cancer in her saliva glands. It was bloody horrible till they sorted her out. Poor Ted: hope he’s alright. Bell’s Palsy they call it.”

The Look

Tags

behaviour, life, musings, thoughts

There’s a look. It speaks volumes yet is so difficult to translate into prose. Some have called it “a glint” or “a sparkle” but these can’t do it justice. Eyes will glint and sparkle by a trick of the light, because they’re wet. Others use “devilment” or “mischievousness” and I can understand where they’re coming from but these seem unsatisfactory descriptions, just the same.
I had an Irish friend called Phil Hackett, or Mad Phil to his friends. Like an overgrown leprachaun, he was a drinking fool but I swear never once in all the years I knew him did he ever suggest that we went to the pub. It was never necessary. He merely acquired “that look” on his face and everyone knew where he was going. We generally tagged along: he was a very entertaining chap!
My missus says folk told her she had a “cheeky face” from a very early age. She is utterly transparent. You can tell with a glance whether she is guilty or innocent. She knows better than to attempt a lie: it would just be noise. The verdict is already written in her visage.

Photo

Tags

beauty, glamour, life, musings, photography, sex, thoughts

I was bimbling around the internet, as I am wont to do, and I came across this picture. I don’t know who she is or why she was posing so. Something about her or her expression spoke to me. I thought I’d share it with you.